Strength and Weakness

I'm going to address a couple things I've been thinking about lately. Firstly I'd like to talk about my strength.

There are times when I feel lonely and depressed. It usually happens when I think about things in my past. I've had some pretty bad luck with girls, and I haven't been able to find anything I'm interested in other than girls and games. With games being thought of as a waist of time by most of the people I care about, its been hard to find any good qualities about myself. There have been days where I have felt virtually worthless, beating myself up for not doing things differently. At this point I'm reminded of The Awakening and that stupid Wilbur thing. I cringe at that memory. That was like...one of the only things I actively participated in at that place, probably because its still my biggest problem. I am still my own worst enemy. The voice I have in my head telling me I'm pretty much worthless is a strong voice, and its strengthened by other voices. Words from my friends and family echo in my mind, until the pain of the past is deafening and makes me cry. Some was constructive criticism and meant to help rather than hurt, some was in the form of jokes I was supposed to to laugh with or shrug off, and some was as hurtful as it was meant to be, if not more so.

In these times of weakness, I eventually draw upon some hidden strength from within me. Sometimes from the inspiration of pictures such as the ones I favor of Jace Beleren, or from some of my favorite songs I listen to, other times from yet more words from family and friends and even some from myself that are strong enough to echo back in response to the deafening depression.

My voice comes with righteous wrath that makes me shiver. "Yes, I have been broken, I have fallen, and darkness has has found my soul, but rather than be destroyed by that darkness, it has merged with the burning flame that is my life force and become something altogether different. And so now here I stand, having risen and overcome the adversity you have thrown my way, ready to fight once again and keep fighting."

So every time I see this picture, I think he is saying "RISE AGAIN!"

I say that I am my own man, I am SO much better than so many people in this world, and I WILL find my way. And other thoughts come to my aid, strengthening this. I have a job now. There's so many stupid people in this world. I am not my father. I am not my brother. I am powerful. I am awesome.

So there is my strength. It comes and it goes, but it is always there when I need it. Now its time to talk about my weakness.

Again, this is about Kristy, the girl of my dreams that has caused me much grief and given me lots of unneeded drama. But I just....can't....get her....OUT! I think of her everyday. Every time I try to rip her from my life there is always something that stops me, something that pulls me back to her. I tried deleting all of her pictures I have of her, but 2 remain on my phone and I also have a folder of her pictures on my portable hard drive. She's just so beautiful to me. I have conflicting thoughts on this. They go something like this:

Its because I love her. I don't know what love is, I'm just using it as an excuse. She's treating me like shit and I let her do it, but she's been so good to me too. She's in the dog house with me right now, she's the one that needs to come crawling back this time. If I don't say anything, she'll just think of me as a bad memory and that's it, that's how it will end. What's wrong with that? I still care about her. Why? Well she....I'm....shut up! I don't need a reason! Fuck you! (headache)

If logic and reason were the only things I listened to, she would be gone. A distant memory of hardship and mistakes made on both ends. But that's not the case. I was thinking of ways I could contact her and tell her how I feel, but I always have to think about how her fiancee delving into her privacy. Call her? No. Text her? No. Message her on facebook? Can't, she blocked me. Use her old email I still have in my gmail contacts? Ah....there we go. So I sent her a link to a song I found on Youtube called I'm Not Over by Carolina Liars. The song basically says I'm trying to let go, but I'm not over you. Today she sent me a Youtube song back called Someday by Rob Thomas saying maybe someday we'll try again. My heart flutters once again, but the euphoria disappears very quickly, a thought making itself known "Hey wait, I'm still pissed about what happened! Tell her god damn it!" So I write a huge message telling her how I feel, and so she messages me from a new email she created saying she doesn't expect me to write her back, she wouldn't if she were me, and then sends me another Youtube song called Don't Make Me by Blake Shelton (a country song *gag*) saying stuff like "Don't make me let you go, don't make me stop loving you, don't make me stop needing you." So....I'm pulling myself back into the mess. My weakness. My mind says "Yeah she treated me like shit, but here's all the events that I know happened and events that probably happened that led her to treating me like shit." And it lessens the pain of what she did. As long as there was some sort of logic behind it, a small part of me can forgive her.

This reminds me of the Sword of Truth series Chelsee got me addicted to. Richard was tortured by a woman named Dena until time and sanity were gone, but he partitioned his mind so that everything that happened to him wouldn't touch that small part of him and he could recall his sanity when the time was right and when it was most needed. Once his sanity was back, he had the chance to kill her. If he tried to do it with anger in his heart, he wouldn't be able to do it. But after learning what had happened to her to make her into the person she was, he was able to forgive her for what she did to him and was able to kill her. He didn't want to, but he had to if he was to escape from her. A person can only be who they are, nothing more, nothing less. That was the message in the book.

Anyway, sorry for the long blog. I felt these thoughts needed to be shared so that they wouldn't put such a strain on my mind. Your thoughts on my strength and weakness would be much appreciated.