Busy

Lately, even though I've had a lot of free time to myself, I've felt like I'm just really busy. I work, I sleep, and then I have time to do whatever I want. Mostly, I've been hanging out with my friend Debra. This means I'm rarely home. I don't get to see Allison, Steve, Wesley, or Mom as much as I'd like. I could tell Debra that I want to spend the day with my family if I wanted to, which I've done a couple times, but I just want to do both. I want to split myself in two.

This is part of the reason I haven't blogged for so long. I've just felt so busy. When I have free time to myself, I want to please my friend or just relax and catch up on my gaming. Blogging is one of the last things I think of doing during my spare time.

In the end, I feel as if I AM split in two. I spend most of my time at work thinking about my life while I'm working. (since the work I do requires almost no thought at all) I spend my time with Debra, part of me wanting to be home playing games by myself or spending time with my family. And then on my nights off when I have to stay awake during the night to keep from screwing up my sleep schedule, I feel like I want to have someone to share my time with.

While writing this, I realize that I could hang out with family and have Debra there at the same time, but I feel like those are two different areas of my life. If Debra's there while I'm with my family, I feel as if a wall has been breached and I feel awkward or uncomfortable. Its been this way ever since I could remember. Bringing friends over to meet my family hasn't felt right for some reason. I feel as though each encounter needs to be private and kept in its own place. Like...I'm scared of what would happen when these two worlds collide.

Anyway, I've put so much focus on my friends and family and the direction my life is taking that I've been neglecting myself. I haven't been eating when I need to, and I haven't been sleeping as much as I should. Its like there's just so much going on that I ignore my own needs just so I don't miss anything important. I'll try to slow things down and put things back into balance.

P.S. Speaking of life direction. I guess I should mention I'll be taking a theater class at the college this week. I'm not sure why I agreed to do it. Debra wanted me to take the class with her, and she's going to be moving away in about 5 or 6 months, so I guess I agreed as a favor to her, but I don't think I'm going to enjoy this class very much. Of course, I think I'm just holding the same pessimistic view I hold for every other....educational thing. I'm so very different from my family. I don't want to learn anymore!