Time

Hey everyone. I'm sorry that I haven't posted anything for such a long time. Ever since I got back to Utah, it seems I've had very little time to myself. I say that it seems this way because its not really true. I have work, but after I'm home from work I can do whatever I want. I just choose to put friends and family above my own needs. Lately, I come home from work and my cousins immediately want to do something with me: watch a movie, play a game, go out to eat, etc. It's not that I don't want to do these things though. I always have fun with my family. But there are times where I want to do my own thing and then when I'm invited to do stuff with other people I feel too guilty to turn them down. Most of the time its because I know I'd be given a guilt trip if I said no. "Hey cuz! Want to play some Magic?" "Naw...I'd rather watch a movie." "We could play Magic while we watch the movie." "I'd rather not. I like to pay full attention to what's going on in the movie, otherwise its just background noise." "Pshhh.....fine then. I see how it is."

So I just go along with what my friends or family want until the opportunity arises that I have time to myself. Another reason I do that is because I don't really do anything different when I want time for myself. I watch movies, play games, go out to eat, etc. Its the compromising to do those things a different way that bothers me. I might not go see the same movies or play the same games that I would by myself that I would if I were to do those things with family or friends. It hasn't really been too bad. For the most part, I just wish I could split myself into more of me and do all the things I want. I want to go over to Kjersti and Jay's house to watch Dexter. I want to go over to Gary and Danae's house to play Killer Bunnies. I want to go over to mom and dad's house to play Pinochle and watch House. I want to go watch movies with Chelsee. I want to hang out with my cousins. I want to hang out with my friends And I want time to myself where I can just relax. No noise, no worries, just fun.

There's one more thing that I want, but I'm starting to accept that I'm not going to have it...a girlfriend. I know that may sound kind of harsh or ridiculous, but I'm starting to think its true. There haven't been any girls showing interest in me. There are some that have in the past, but they just turned out to be the wrong type of people. They didn't respect me, they wanted me to change, they didn't understand me, or I was just plain not attracted to them. It could be that I'm not trying hard enough to find the right person, or it could be that my standards are too high. Whatever reason I'm not finding that special someone, I'm tired of stepping out of my comfort zone and being let down. I even tried to find an easier way by looking up speed dating in Utah on Google. The results were basically just online dating websites...which you need to pay for to get any real results. And I refuse to sink that low, at least for now.

I sometimes wonder why I want a girlfriend so badly, and my reasons ultimately just sound selfish. But maybe that's the way its supposed to be. You want someone to love you for being you, and you love them back for being able to do that. Isn't that what love is all about? I have family and friends that love me for who I am, but it feels like that love is only enough to help you get by. I want a stronger love now, and it hurts me to see people who've already found it. It doesn't hurt me to see my sisters bonding with their husbands, but it hurts me when I see one of my friends saying how much they love their husband or wife on facebook. Good job finding love. Keep it to yourselves! And what's sad is I'd probably become a hypocrite once I get a girlfriend. "Let the world know! I have found my one true love!"

So that's just about everything. Last thing I wanted to talk about is my job. Still don't like it. Talking on the phone might be the easiest job I've had yet, but its not easy if you don't have a thick skin. My hardest day was taking two long crappy calls in a row and then seeing I still had three more hours of work to do. I don't like that they expect me to just shrug off the bad calls and keep going like the energizer bunny. And giving me a ten hour shift three days in a row...I'm ready to just call it quits and be a bum with no job the rest of my life. Contributing to THIS kind of society is just insane. I know that's not a realistic way of looking at things, so I'm not really serious. I'll probably look for another job soon. I'd really just like to quit and start writing my own books, but that doesn't look great from a financial standpoint, so I don't know what to do. But I'm a survivor. All of us Hannas are.