Time

Hey everyone. I'm sorry that I haven't posted anything for such a long time. Ever since I got back to Utah, it seems I've had very little time to myself. I say that it seems this way because its not really true. I have work, but after I'm home from work I can do whatever I want. I just choose to put friends and family above my own needs. Lately, I come home from work and my cousins immediately want to do something with me: watch a movie, play a game, go out to eat, etc. It's not that I don't want to do these things though. I always have fun with my family. But there are times where I want to do my own thing and then when I'm invited to do stuff with other people I feel too guilty to turn them down. Most of the time its because I know I'd be given a guilt trip if I said no. "Hey cuz! Want to play some Magic?" "Naw...I'd rather watch a movie." "We could play Magic while we watch the movie." "I'd rather not. I like to pay full attention to what's going on in the movie, otherwise its just background noise." "Pshhh.....fine then. I see how it is."

So I just go along with what my friends or family want until the opportunity arises that I have time to myself. Another reason I do that is because I don't really do anything different when I want time for myself. I watch movies, play games, go out to eat, etc. Its the compromising to do those things a different way that bothers me. I might not go see the same movies or play the same games that I would by myself that I would if I were to do those things with family or friends. It hasn't really been too bad. For the most part, I just wish I could split myself into more of me and do all the things I want. I want to go over to Kjersti and Jay's house to watch Dexter. I want to go over to Gary and Danae's house to play Killer Bunnies. I want to go over to mom and dad's house to play Pinochle and watch House. I want to go watch movies with Chelsee. I want to hang out with my cousins. I want to hang out with my friends And I want time to myself where I can just relax. No noise, no worries, just fun.

There's one more thing that I want, but I'm starting to accept that I'm not going to have it...a girlfriend. I know that may sound kind of harsh or ridiculous, but I'm starting to think its true. There haven't been any girls showing interest in me. There are some that have in the past, but they just turned out to be the wrong type of people. They didn't respect me, they wanted me to change, they didn't understand me, or I was just plain not attracted to them. It could be that I'm not trying hard enough to find the right person, or it could be that my standards are too high. Whatever reason I'm not finding that special someone, I'm tired of stepping out of my comfort zone and being let down. I even tried to find an easier way by looking up speed dating in Utah on Google. The results were basically just online dating websites...which you need to pay for to get any real results. And I refuse to sink that low, at least for now.

I sometimes wonder why I want a girlfriend so badly, and my reasons ultimately just sound selfish. But maybe that's the way its supposed to be. You want someone to love you for being you, and you love them back for being able to do that. Isn't that what love is all about? I have family and friends that love me for who I am, but it feels like that love is only enough to help you get by. I want a stronger love now, and it hurts me to see people who've already found it. It doesn't hurt me to see my sisters bonding with their husbands, but it hurts me when I see one of my friends saying how much they love their husband or wife on facebook. Good job finding love. Keep it to yourselves! And what's sad is I'd probably become a hypocrite once I get a girlfriend. "Let the world know! I have found my one true love!"

So that's just about everything. Last thing I wanted to talk about is my job. Still don't like it. Talking on the phone might be the easiest job I've had yet, but its not easy if you don't have a thick skin. My hardest day was taking two long crappy calls in a row and then seeing I still had three more hours of work to do. I don't like that they expect me to just shrug off the bad calls and keep going like the energizer bunny. And giving me a ten hour shift three days in a row...I'm ready to just call it quits and be a bum with no job the rest of my life. Contributing to THIS kind of society is just insane. I know that's not a realistic way of looking at things, so I'm not really serious. I'll probably look for another job soon. I'd really just like to quit and start writing my own books, but that doesn't look great from a financial standpoint, so I don't know what to do. But I'm a survivor. All of us Hannas are.

News

Debra finally left Kodiak on June 2nd. People keep asking me how I feel about it and I always have the same answer. I feel good and bad about it. She was my only good friend on the island, but she was also smothering me. I wanted to make her happy, and she wanted to spend every free moment I had with me. My schedule turned into: Wake up, go to Debra's, go to work, go to Debra's, go home to sleep. If I wanted to spend a day by myself, she would be upset about it. She wouldn't voice it, but you could see it in her face or hear it in the way she spoke. I became her best friend really fast and she wanted to spend more time with me the closer it got to the day she left. It got to the point where we didn't know what to talk about or what to do. She wanted me there, so I was there.

Wesley was going to buy Debra's car before she left, but...I ended up buying it instead. Wesley had his eye on a scooter (which is like half motorcycle, half mountain bike), and he said that I must be comfortable with it because I've driven it around so much. I've had the opportunity to drive Debra's car as well as Debra's parent's cars because she broke her leg on Prom night. She could still drive her car, but it was less bothersome to have me drive it instead. Anyway, Wesley lent me $800 and I got Debra's car. Its been nice to have transportation, but I worry about the future costs such as gas money and insurance. I'm going to see if I can get a raise at Safeway so I don't have to be so careful with my money.

I've been switched from Night Stocker to working in the Dairy department of the store. Its sort of a cross between working in Produce and working as a Night Stocker. I have to watch the expiration dates on all the products, but other than that, its just the usual stocking it on the shelves. I've done well enough to be one of the best workers in this department, but that isn't actually saying much because people keep quitting or getting fired. I'm one of the best because I stick around. I'm a reliable worker. That's why I'm gonna ask for this raise. One of the managers thinks I'll get the raise because I've done so much extra stuff. I've done overtime, I've worked different departments, I've come in on some of my off days, etc.

I worry about things all the time. My biggest worry right now is what I'll do in the future. I've been given the option to move back to Utah in October with mom. With Debra moving to California, my options have been move to Utah, stay here in Kodiak, or move to California. I guess Minnesota is an option too. I have a couple online friends that live there. But its appealing to move to California, not just because of Debra, but because I would be able to transfer to the Safeway there, keeping my job. Safeway seems to be located in only coastal areas. But having worked at Safeway for over a year, I should have enough experience to get a job where ever I decide to move. So the choice comes down to family and/or friends. A part of me is content here. Another part of me wants to move back to Utah to see the other half of my family again, and see my cousin Tyler and a few friends that have missed me. And another wants to try someplace new with a good friend, because I haven't found very high quality friends here or in Utah. It would be nice being able to live on my own, but on the other hand, I really don't mind being with family and helping with rent. This is the kind of choice I wish would be decided for me. Send me where I am needed. Those I've lived with can all agree that I make very little impact on the household. I keep mostly to myself and I keep most everything clean. So what am I to do? The decision will have to wait until later. But as always, I'd like to hear all of your opinions on the matter. It might make my choice easier.

One Year

Its been about a year and a month since I moved here from Utah. Its been great being able to live with Wesley, Allison, Steve, and Mom. I still only have one good friend; Debra. She's going to be moving in a couple of months, so I'm not really sure what I'll do when she leaves. I'm taking an Introduction to Theatre class with her, and I have like a B in that class, but I'm only really taking it to please Debra. She wanted me to join one of her classes, and I chose to do this one because I thought it would be less work, but I was wrong.

I'm still working as a Night Stocker at Safeway. The pay isn't all that great, but a paycheck is a paycheck. I've always had enough money to pay the rent. Lately my money has been staying about even in my account. I've been spending a lot of money just going and doing stuff with Debra like having lunch and going to see movies with her. Its nice to be able to do whatever I want like that, but I want to start saving up for a laptop now.

I have a new phone now, thanks to Dad. I've been putting it to good use again. Everyone's been saying that I've been texting non-stop since I got it. I was without my phone for a month and a half, so I needed to catch up with all my online friends. I missed having a fully functioning phone. It may have been the biggest contributer to taking me out of my recent depression.

A recent development was that I called Kristy again. I haven't talked to her in months, and I wanted to see if I was really over her. Turns out I am. Talking to her again just makes me realize how big of a mistake it would have been to date her. Its relieving to know I didn't miss out on anything. She's still just as dramatic and immature as ever. She thinks she's all grown up, but I can tell she isn't. It makes me wonder if I'll ever find the kind of woman I want.

Every Little Thing

Remember when I had shingles on my side? Allison told me that I probably got it due to stress. It started to itch in that same spot again the other night. I think I should probably unload all the baggage I've been carrying. Sorry if you're sick of seeing my blog being used to complain. There's been a lot of little things going wrong, that are starting to add up and make me depressed.

For one thing, my phone isn't working anymore. I guess I dropped it in the snow and the screen stopped working. I could still use it to call people, and receive calls, but a majority of the other functions I used it for were unavailable. I use it to text, I use it to see what day and time it is, I use it to see in the dark. I use it for an alarm for when I need to wake up or go back to work from my breaks. I've put good use into my phone, and now its pretty much dead. I've been trying to get a hold of dad to see what I needed to do to get a new phone or get this one fixed. He said that he would go to the Verizon Wireless carrier in Costco and talk about it with them. That was more than a week ago. I've tried contacting him 5 or 6 times with no luck. Its not his fault though. He's a busy guy. I can't expect him to drop everything and get my problem fixed. But now my phone can't send or receive calls anymore. I don't know what happened. Maybe dad took my phone off his account. I'll probably just get a new phone from AT&T here. I'll lose all my pictures and contacts, but at least I'll have a working phone again.

There's been some computer issues too. Steve felt the internet connection was slow because of viruses or spyware, so he blocked us from visiting any potentially harmful websites. And then he saw that my computer was the worst, so he made it so I couldn't access the internet on my computer in the house. This frustrated just about everyone except Steve, because Allison can't go onto Top Secret, and Wesley can't go onto Pirate Bay, and I couldn't look at porn anymore. Yes, I use porn. Big shocker. Its something I use to settle my urges, and get over the fact that I don't have a girlfriend. I feel its one of the best things for me to use, because I'm not spending money on dirty magazines, and I'm not becoming one of those assholes who just wants to get laid. I can deal with not looking at porn, its just dealing with no porn AND everything else attached to it. I'm not allowed to download anything, so no more playing Shadow Era at home because I'm not allowed to download the Unity Player. No more doing school work at home because I'm not allowed to download Adobe. And I can't right-click with this stupid mac mouse to see how to spell things right. Steve hasn't liked sharing the house with me and Wesley, but if this is a passive aggressive way to get us out, I guess its working. Wesley moved out. I'm pretty sure he didn't leave because it was cheaper rent or a better location. Its because he didn't like the restrictions Steve put up. And now I feel partially responsible, because I was the guy slowing down the network the most.

Those things, along with my worries about school, work, and friends has been a little overwhelming. And it keeps spiraling down, because depression takes its toll. I'm not sleeping enough. I'm not eating enough. I'm not working as fast at work. I'm becoming more easily irritated. I'm almost wishing someone would start a fight with me. If my supervisor tells me to work faster, BOOM, I'll explode and tell him about how he and everyone else slacks off in their own way and that I'm having some depression issues and that he should be glad I'm even coming in to work right now. Of course that will never happen. I'll just nod and say okay, because I know what the consequences might be if I talked back to him like that.

But through all of this, Allison has been there. It helps me when she's there to listen to me vent about my problems, and it even helps to have her want to hang out with me and watch episodes of Heroes every now and then. She's been a pillar of strength for everyone. She has a busy life and puts up with so much shit at work, and she still makes time to help everyone else. I'm so grateful to be living with her and to have her support. So I just thought it would be nice for all of us to recognize how awesome she is. Thank you so much Allie.

Busy

Lately, even though I've had a lot of free time to myself, I've felt like I'm just really busy. I work, I sleep, and then I have time to do whatever I want. Mostly, I've been hanging out with my friend Debra. This means I'm rarely home. I don't get to see Allison, Steve, Wesley, or Mom as much as I'd like. I could tell Debra that I want to spend the day with my family if I wanted to, which I've done a couple times, but I just want to do both. I want to split myself in two.

This is part of the reason I haven't blogged for so long. I've just felt so busy. When I have free time to myself, I want to please my friend or just relax and catch up on my gaming. Blogging is one of the last things I think of doing during my spare time.

In the end, I feel as if I AM split in two. I spend most of my time at work thinking about my life while I'm working. (since the work I do requires almost no thought at all) I spend my time with Debra, part of me wanting to be home playing games by myself or spending time with my family. And then on my nights off when I have to stay awake during the night to keep from screwing up my sleep schedule, I feel like I want to have someone to share my time with.

While writing this, I realize that I could hang out with family and have Debra there at the same time, but I feel like those are two different areas of my life. If Debra's there while I'm with my family, I feel as if a wall has been breached and I feel awkward or uncomfortable. Its been this way ever since I could remember. Bringing friends over to meet my family hasn't felt right for some reason. I feel as though each encounter needs to be private and kept in its own place. Like...I'm scared of what would happen when these two worlds collide.

Anyway, I've put so much focus on my friends and family and the direction my life is taking that I've been neglecting myself. I haven't been eating when I need to, and I haven't been sleeping as much as I should. Its like there's just so much going on that I ignore my own needs just so I don't miss anything important. I'll try to slow things down and put things back into balance.

P.S. Speaking of life direction. I guess I should mention I'll be taking a theater class at the college this week. I'm not sure why I agreed to do it. Debra wanted me to take the class with her, and she's going to be moving away in about 5 or 6 months, so I guess I agreed as a favor to her, but I don't think I'm going to enjoy this class very much. Of course, I think I'm just holding the same pessimistic view I hold for every other....educational thing. I'm so very different from my family. I don't want to learn anymore!

Going Without

Three more days until my birthday. People have been asking me what I would like, and I haven't been able to give them a straight answer. I don't really know what I want. I don't have any games in mind. All music can be downloaded or streamed for free. I can go without watching movies or television episodes. I have no desire for any new technology other than a better computer, and that would be just to prove once and for all that our internet is slow and not the computer. This little laptop Wesley is letting me use is probably fine. I don't even care if I get magic cards. It would be nice, but I've got no one to play with up here in Alaska. And there will always be better cards to come in the future.

The things I want for sure are things that people can't really help me get; a better job, a girlfriend, or just more friends. Its been hard for me to connect with anyone here. As far as I can tell, I just haven't met the right kind of people. Everyone here is caught up in their own lives and doesn't give me a chance. My pessimistic side tells me we wouldn't get along anyway. A lot of the people I've met like to go party and get drunk or do drugs. I'm not desperate enough to change myself for them. I like who I am, and I want to find people who feel the same way about themselves and about me.

In three days I'll be old enough to legally drink alcohol, but I don't have any real desire to do that either. I don't see the point. I have no desire for a nasty after-taste in my mouth or a warm feeling in my stomach. I have no desire for slurred speech, or saying things in my head without meaning to. I like to keep my wits about me, and I have other ways to deal with stress.

All I have to look forward to is a good time with the family I have here. It will be my first birthday without my mom and most of my sisters, but I'm sure we'll still have a good time. As always, I miss my family. We've all been each other's best friends. But I understand that having the whole family together is just another thing I can go without. As long as we still get to see each other every now and then, that's fine with me.

Lover's Heart

My most recent blog would have you believe I feel like a superhero since I moved to Alaska, but now I'm thinking I'm not as impressive as I made myself out to be. I keep thinking of how my life could still be better. I want more friends, I want a girlfriend, I want a more satisfying job, and I want to stop feeling bad about not going further with my education.

I'm not completely down on myself though. I tell myself that I'm better than some of the idiots I've seen. I tell myself that I would know exactly how to treat a woman right once I have the chance to show her. I look forward to my brighter future and say to myself that I'll get there someday, and when people tell me that, I want to say "Duh. Stop stating the obvious." I'm a good guy, and I tell myself that all the pretty girls I see are just too young or immature to notice me. Having almost no friends made it so I had to rely on myself and become more mature than most guys, and the cute girls don't want mature, they want fun. I have fun in my own way, but unless I can find a girl that has fun the same way I do, they aren't going to be interested in me.

I don't really know when to consider an acquaintance as a friend, but my way of ranking people deals with the amount of effort put into being friends. So the people who actually come over to my house to hang out with me are the people who have moved up from acquaintances and become my friends. I've had 4 girls and 2 guys enter the home I was currently presiding in, and so far, only my friend Debra has given me consistent attention, therefore, I think of her as my only friend on this island right now. She has informed me that she might be moving to a different state in 8 months, so I'm not feeling very good on friends right now.

As for on-the-phone-friends, I still have a couple of girls I speak to. Kristy called me one day and I guess I've become acquainted with her again, but it seems to have gone back to her only talking to me if I talk to her first. Grace texted me out of nowhere too. I don't really consider either of them my friends again, but I'll talk to them if I'm lonely and/or bored. I have a couple online friends I speak with on the phone I know from online websites or games I've played. My best phone friend is still Katelyn Conroy. She still intends on visiting me here in Kodiak someday.

And as always, I miss my family. I keep hoping that someday we'll all live in one place, but I think of how the odds of that happening are pretty slim. We have such a large family, and everyone has their own responsibilities and preferences and dreams they must follow. I'll try not to be selfish and be happy for my distant family members.