Strength and Weakness

I'm going to address a couple things I've been thinking about lately. Firstly I'd like to talk about my strength.

There are times when I feel lonely and depressed. It usually happens when I think about things in my past. I've had some pretty bad luck with girls, and I haven't been able to find anything I'm interested in other than girls and games. With games being thought of as a waist of time by most of the people I care about, its been hard to find any good qualities about myself. There have been days where I have felt virtually worthless, beating myself up for not doing things differently. At this point I'm reminded of The Awakening and that stupid Wilbur thing. I cringe at that memory. That was like...one of the only things I actively participated in at that place, probably because its still my biggest problem. I am still my own worst enemy. The voice I have in my head telling me I'm pretty much worthless is a strong voice, and its strengthened by other voices. Words from my friends and family echo in my mind, until the pain of the past is deafening and makes me cry. Some was constructive criticism and meant to help rather than hurt, some was in the form of jokes I was supposed to to laugh with or shrug off, and some was as hurtful as it was meant to be, if not more so.

In these times of weakness, I eventually draw upon some hidden strength from within me. Sometimes from the inspiration of pictures such as the ones I favor of Jace Beleren, or from some of my favorite songs I listen to, other times from yet more words from family and friends and even some from myself that are strong enough to echo back in response to the deafening depression.

My voice comes with righteous wrath that makes me shiver. "Yes, I have been broken, I have fallen, and darkness has has found my soul, but rather than be destroyed by that darkness, it has merged with the burning flame that is my life force and become something altogether different. And so now here I stand, having risen and overcome the adversity you have thrown my way, ready to fight once again and keep fighting."

So every time I see this picture, I think he is saying "RISE AGAIN!"

I say that I am my own man, I am SO much better than so many people in this world, and I WILL find my way. And other thoughts come to my aid, strengthening this. I have a job now. There's so many stupid people in this world. I am not my father. I am not my brother. I am powerful. I am awesome.

So there is my strength. It comes and it goes, but it is always there when I need it. Now its time to talk about my weakness.

Again, this is about Kristy, the girl of my dreams that has caused me much grief and given me lots of unneeded drama. But I just....can't....get her....OUT! I think of her everyday. Every time I try to rip her from my life there is always something that stops me, something that pulls me back to her. I tried deleting all of her pictures I have of her, but 2 remain on my phone and I also have a folder of her pictures on my portable hard drive. She's just so beautiful to me. I have conflicting thoughts on this. They go something like this:

Its because I love her. I don't know what love is, I'm just using it as an excuse. She's treating me like shit and I let her do it, but she's been so good to me too. She's in the dog house with me right now, she's the one that needs to come crawling back this time. If I don't say anything, she'll just think of me as a bad memory and that's it, that's how it will end. What's wrong with that? I still care about her. Why? Well she....I'm....shut up! I don't need a reason! Fuck you! (headache)

If logic and reason were the only things I listened to, she would be gone. A distant memory of hardship and mistakes made on both ends. But that's not the case. I was thinking of ways I could contact her and tell her how I feel, but I always have to think about how her fiancee delving into her privacy. Call her? No. Text her? No. Message her on facebook? Can't, she blocked me. Use her old email I still have in my gmail contacts? Ah....there we go. So I sent her a link to a song I found on Youtube called I'm Not Over by Carolina Liars. The song basically says I'm trying to let go, but I'm not over you. Today she sent me a Youtube song back called Someday by Rob Thomas saying maybe someday we'll try again. My heart flutters once again, but the euphoria disappears very quickly, a thought making itself known "Hey wait, I'm still pissed about what happened! Tell her god damn it!" So I write a huge message telling her how I feel, and so she messages me from a new email she created saying she doesn't expect me to write her back, she wouldn't if she were me, and then sends me another Youtube song called Don't Make Me by Blake Shelton (a country song *gag*) saying stuff like "Don't make me let you go, don't make me stop loving you, don't make me stop needing you." So....I'm pulling myself back into the mess. My weakness. My mind says "Yeah she treated me like shit, but here's all the events that I know happened and events that probably happened that led her to treating me like shit." And it lessens the pain of what she did. As long as there was some sort of logic behind it, a small part of me can forgive her.

This reminds me of the Sword of Truth series Chelsee got me addicted to. Richard was tortured by a woman named Dena until time and sanity were gone, but he partitioned his mind so that everything that happened to him wouldn't touch that small part of him and he could recall his sanity when the time was right and when it was most needed. Once his sanity was back, he had the chance to kill her. If he tried to do it with anger in his heart, he wouldn't be able to do it. But after learning what had happened to her to make her into the person she was, he was able to forgive her for what she did to him and was able to kill her. He didn't want to, but he had to if he was to escape from her. A person can only be who they are, nothing more, nothing less. That was the message in the book.

Anyway, sorry for the long blog. I felt these thoughts needed to be shared so that they wouldn't put such a strain on my mind. Your thoughts on my strength and weakness would be much appreciated.

A Few Pictures

These are all pictures I took with my phone. Sorry there aren't more, but I haven't really explored Kodiak Island that much. Its been raining and snowing and windy. Nothing I couldn't handle, but its not exactly weather I'd like to stay out in. The weather changes fast here. It could snow for 5 minutes and then its done, or it could snow for hours and then turn into rain. There are some sights that pictures can't really do justice either. There's a huge frozen lake behind our apartment, but if I took a picture of that you'd just see a section of grayish white. Better to look at the whole thing and be able to recognize what it is. And there's some awesome scenery here too, but there's always something in the picture that ruins it like....buildings, or cars, or phone lines. Anyway, here are the pictures:

This is one of the few scenery pictures I liked on a clearer day after work.

Here is the store I work at.

And here is the restaurant within the store where I actually do my work.

A Blogger Once More Part 2

I've just blogged twice in a row, so if you haven't already, you should read the blog that comes before this one first.

So here's what's happened: Before I left I was doing all that I could to clean up my life: getting rid of crappy friends, quitting my online game and spending less time online overall, and spending time with my AWESOME family. A couple days before my flight, a girl you should all know from a previous blog a long time ago named Kristy told me that she loved me. She said she's loved me since high school, but she just never got the guts to tell me. This was kind of cruel, because I've always wanted to be with her, and she had to tell me AFTER she got engaged to her stalker, and AFTER I received a ticket to Kodiak. She and I kissed the night before I had to leave, and she said that she was pretty much fucked, because she'll have to tell her fiancée Caleb that she loves me eventually. She lives with him in an apartment because she was kicked out from her dad's and her grandma's house. She didn't see any other choice but to keep living with him, and she was sure he'd leave her to live there by herself if she told him, so she kept her feelings for me secret. Anyway, she was depressed and beating herself up for letting me go to Kodiak, but we kept contacting each other for about a week. She was even more upset when she heard I got a job, because that just made my stay here more permanent to her. She said she couldn't come up to live in Kodiak because her friends and her family, though shitty, were all she had, and she couldn't leave them, so she figured the only way we could be together is if I came back to Utah.

So after a week of talking to each other, she and I start fighting.

I finally texted her saying I didn't want to come back to Utah, but if I was going to consider it at all, she'd have to get rid of Caleb. The text I received back from her was actually from Caleb, telling me how much they both thought I was a pathetic lowlife living in a fantasy world and I should leave them alone. This was the usual shit I heard from Caleb whenever he would hack into her facebook or emails, so I told him to prove it by having her tell me on the phone. To my disbelief, she called and said "Geoff just go away." and hung up. So I texted back saying she and I needed to talk. Caleb said no, I had my proof. She had decided to be with a stalker that was always there rather than a lover that was always gone, so I figured "Fine....if she chooses him and treats me like shit, she'll have to deal with the consequences." and I told Caleb what Kristy had said and done with me and I said "So much for living in a fantasy world huh?" And so there was more fighting between me and Caleb and me and Kristy and that was that. We stopped talking to each other and we deleted each other from facebook. So much for love.

During the time I was having problems with Kristy, I confided in one of my co-workers named Rosie about the problem. She didn't help much because she felt it was a sticky situation and it was just up to me, but it was good for me to talk about it to someone rather than keeping it to myself. After my fight with Kristy, I finally decided that I was going to move on from her. And having little or no friends left from my "life cleaning" I decided to try and be friends with some of my co-workers. Most of the girls I work with are really cute, so I'd smile when we'd see each other and do my best to learn from them and do my job better. Cutting up vegetables and meat for pizza and washing the huge dishes they were cooked on has been difficult for me to become faster at. I really wanted to keep my fingers intact and unscathed. :)

One night I was closing the pizzeria with Rosie's friend Carla all alone, and she asked me if I liked Rosie. It caught me off guard, but I told her how I wouldn't mind having Rosie as a girlfriend, and how I'd like to be friends with her and hang out after work. This....was the wrong thing to do. The next day my co-worker Jesse (a guy) said "So I heard you have the hots for Rosie." My head drooped down and I said "Shit." and I laughed and shook my head and gave him a look like "Damn you." but in a good way. He laughed and said "Yeah...guess how THAT got out." I later asked Carla why she told Jesse, and she said she didn't. So it could've been 3 different things. A: She's lying to me to protect herself. B: She told someone else and it got around to Jesse. or C: Someone from the front of the store was nearby and overheard our conversation and spread the news. I'm thinking option A but it doesn't really matter. The information was out there and probably spreading through the store like a virus.

So I decided to send Rosie a text saying there was a rumor going around about me liking her, and I told her it was true, but I only wanted to be friends. Rosie is 18, has a kid already, and used to have a relationship with my supervisor Ceaser. Its not Ceaser's child and the real father is gone.(Ironic that a guy named Ceaser would be working in a pizza place other than Little Ceaser's, but Big Al's is the only pizza place on Kodiak anyway) I had told Rosie earlier that I wouldn't be ready for the responsibility of a child, so I think she should've known I only wanted to be friends. She didn't react as maturely as I hoped. She didn't want to be friends. But rather than tell me it was because she thought I was trying to be with her, she kept naming off other reasons why we couldn't hang out after work. "I don't have time to hang out with friends." "But you said you hang out with Carla and other people at work." "Well they come over to my house." "I can come over to your house too." "Why do you want to be friends so bad?" "Because I think you're cool and I don't have any friends here yet." "Well I just don't think it would be a good idea." "Why not?" And she finally told me it was because of the feelings I had for her and she made it very clear she wanted to be co-workers only. So I told her fine I wouldn't bother her anymore, but she had already complained to Ceaser saying she didn't want to work with me. I felt it was completely unnecessary and was angry about it when Ceaser told me about the complaint. It was basically a slap on the wrist and everything was ok after that.

I later tried to be friends with someone who works in the store rather than in the pizzeria with me. Her name is Vicki. She's 17, turning 18 in two or three months. I gave her my number and became friends with her on facebook. Four days later I ask why she hadn't texted me yet and she said "I don't know, I've been busy." So I took her for her word and expected her to text me soon because of my reminder. Another 3 days went by with no word from her so I decided I would send her a message on facebook on my day off. I saw that she had just posted a picture of her and Rosie hanging out and having fun, so I was suspicious that she wasn't talking to me because she had heard bad things about me from Rosie. I sent her a message saying I haven't heard from her since I gave her my number and I asked if it was safe to assume she didn't want to be friends. I said if that were the case I'd understand and leave her alone. Her response confirmed my suspicions. "Don't text me again. And I have my reasons." She had facebook mobile, so she got a text from me not realizing it was from facebook. So I sent her another message saying that it was actually a message from facebook, but I got the point. I said it was a shame I was losing two cool friends because of one stupid mistake, but I'd leave her alone and find someone else who would take a chance on me. Later I started getting texts from people at work. Esther: "Where did you get Vicki's number?" Ceaser: "What have I told you about texting girls at work? We're gonna have to have another talk about this tomorrow."

So basically I almost got fired because of two stupid girls, but after talking to Esther, she stood up for me and there wasn't any problem when I came back to work. Both Rosie and Vicki talked to me like nothing had happened. Plus there was some other drama that happened when I wasn't there that day. Jesse and Ceaser got into a fight about Jesse stealing from the tip jar. When I got back to work, Ceaser wasn't working and Jesse was. He told me what happened and said that Ceaser said I'm the one that said Jesse was stealing. I've never even divided tips for everyone before, so I wouldn't know if Jesse was stealing or not, and I told Jesse so. He said he believed me and thinks Ceaser was just trying to get me fired. Jesse is still thinking about putting in his two weeks notice. He says Ceaser has given him a lot of other crap before and what happened that day was the last straw.

So now, everything seems back to normal and my co-workers are noticing my improvement at work. I'm still learning something new almost everyday, but it seems I'm starting to fit in at work now. A girl named Cassie has become friends with me ,and Esther and I text each other every now and then. So for now, all the drama is gone, and I'm laying low. Talk about stress though right?! Geez!

A Blogger Once More

Hello family! I've decided to start blogging again so that all of you can keep updated on whats happening with me in Kodiak. I've got lots to tell, so I'll probably divide it into 2 blogs. I'll start with what people probably already know.

I got here late February and I'm living in an apartment with Wesley and a roommate named Jake. Jake's a good guy and he works with Wesley at the Daily Mirror. (at least I think that's the name of where they work. That's what it sounds like they're saying, but its an odd name for a newspaper) Wesley and Elisabeth's sister Esther helped me get a part-time job my 2nd day here. I'm working at Big Al's Pizzeria which is in the back of a store called Cost Savers. Its a grocery store that's Kodiak's version of Costco. Its about a 10-15 minute walk away from our apartment, so I've been walking there almost everyday. There have been times when Wesley has been able to give me a ride because he had access to a car at that time. We were dog-sitting for Wesley's old boss Betsy for about 2 weeks and they were letting us stay at their house as if it were our own, so we got to use their cars for a while.

Anyway, I'm getting $7.75 an hour plus tips and some overtime. (which I think is $11.25 an hour or something like that) Wesley hasn't needed to support me at all other than giving me some space in the apartment, so I'm feeling pretty good about that. He's bought some food and other things for me, but it wasn't for lack of money on my part. I've received 3 paychecks so far (technically two because my first paycheck was only for one day of work) and I've been wondering what I should buy with my money. I have food, internet from the Fly-by coffee shop next door, phone service (I've agreed to just pay dad for my phone every month), and a recent acquisition of a $25 TV from one of my co-workers. I'm thinking of buying internet for our apartment so I don't have to keep buying cookies and non-coffee drinks from the coffee shop. I'm also thinking of saving money for a car or maybe tickets to come visit everyone in Utah. Maybe you guys can give me some other ideas on what to buy.

I would show pictures I've taken on my phone, but I don't really have anything to transfer the pictures on my phone to the computer. I need to buy some cord or memory card for it, and I doubt they'd have the kind I need because there's no Verizon Wireless store here. Allison was able to post a picture I took of a tree filled with bald eagles on one of her blogs, so if worse came to worse, I could send more pictures to her and she could send them back to me online in jpeg form, but that's a lot of trouble to go to.

In my next blog I'll talk about my work and stuff that's happened while I've been here.